Start Jailbreak Adventure
You wake up locked in a deserted jail cell, completely alone.
Attempt to pry open window.
There are no objects around with which to "pry open window".
Graft pumpkin to yourself so that you have one hideous arm
What pumpkin?
Grow two muscular arms with which the manhandle the key
He already has arms, stupid!
Throw the key down to that guy so he can open that door
It lands with a loud metallic CLANK.
Loudly tell that guy to pick up key and try it on the door.
Despite your bellowing, the man casually opens the door and leaves.
Pee out the window in an attempt to bring him back
As you turn around to unzip, you notice another keyhole.
Open door
Wonders where the fuck that pumpkin went???
Do a dance
Exotic rhythms take over your body as you start to do a really silly dance.
Knock on door.
Your clumsy fist accidentally flies through the bars, knocking out a passer-by.
Ask dungeon master if there is one fucking way out of room
He's unconscious!
Examine floor
You pick up a clump of nutrients-enriched dirt.
Say hello to the pumpkin
I beg your pardon?
Search room thoroughly for pumpkin
You wake up next to a broken ladder.
Throw shoe at key
You're not even really sure if you're wearing shoes.
Rub key on chest.
Now the key smells like pee too.
Go through door.
The door is locked!!!
Use key on door.
Jiggle as you might, the key doesn't work!
Pretend broken ladder is broken train track
CHOO CHOO!
Use ladder as battering ram
Talk to the guy in the jail cell
You yell to the imprisoned man.
Ignore all future input from betelgeuse
I'm sorry, I don't think I can do that with all future input from betelgeuse.
Turn long ladder into stilts
You fashion a pretty nice pair of stilts.
Hook key to the end of ladder and extend it to jail cell guy
Since the whole ladder was approximately the height of the window in the first place, half of the ladder's height will not nearly reach.
Make clay from dirt and pee, use it to glue ladder into pole
The rungs from one end of the ladder-half easily and snugly fit into the holes of the other.
Hook key to ladder and extend to jail cell guy
It's still just a little out of reach.
Toss the contraption into the air to give it added lift
With a little too much gusto, you send the rig sailing too high.
Drill a hole in the floor.
You are not this guy!
Sing 'malaguena'
You are a little bummed out that you missed grabbing the key by inches.
hollow out pumpkin, wear as helmet in case ceiling collapses
You're quite certain there has never been, and never will be, a pumpkin in this room!
Keep singing until guy drills through floor
You sing so hard you topple backwards over the pumpkin.
Serenade the guy about how you want the key
The man has opted to take a leak through the hole.
Spit pee at man out the window.
With a hefty mouthful of the other guy's urine, you decide to get revenge on the man below for botching the key situation.
BARF!
Overcome with nausea from the foul chain of events, you vomit.
Check on knocked out guard
He's really down for the count!
Try waking him by peeing on him
You're all tapped out for pee at the moment.
Leap over him in a desperate bid for freedom.
You carelessly trip over a pumpkin which has clearly been in plain sight this whole time.
Eat the pumpkin.
You suddenly wonder what happened to the poop on your head.
Use guards pants to lasso keys through the opening in door
You're not even sure if this guy is wearing pants.
Use guard as battering ram on door
He's too heavy to lift completely, so you drag him close to the door and prop him up.
Apologize to guard's body
You start to feel sorry for abusing the guard so badly, and mumble an apology.
>status
::::::GAME STATUS:::::: HEALTH 74 STRENGTH 32 DEXTERITY 41 WISDOM 24 PLUCK 89 METTLE 67 CHUTZPA 90 FORTITUDE 11 TEMERITY 66 CHEEK 95 PUMPKINS DESTROYED 1 KEYS IN INVENTORY 0 KEY THROWING ACCURACY 0% URINATIONS 3 DECAPITATIONS 1 SCORE 890
>unpause
You wake up in your cell after a short nap.
Drill through the floor
For the first time in your 3 year imprisonment, it occurs to you to drill a large hole in the floor.
Poke head through hole and wave.
You are delighted to see your neighbor.
Wave legs in the air
Your most creative solution to the problem is to hoist your torso in the air and flail your legs.
Proceed.
You suddenly realize you are now this guy.
Daub pictures of naked ladies on the wall with blood.
All you have is gay porno!!!
Drill hole through door
The drill is not strong enough to penetrate steel!
Drill through the wall right next to the door.
All these thoughts of drilling and penetration have given you a serious hankering for some quality time with HUNK RUMP magazine.
Continue to enjoy Hunk Rump
You are putting the finishing touches on a robot you have built from ladder pieces.
Command Logorg to dance
With commanding authority, you issue the order.
Use logorg as a battering ram to open the door
From atop your great mechanized mount, you command Logorg to break down the door, like a huge battering ram!
Put your brain inside Logorg's head.
You're not sure how you're going to get your brain into Logorg's head, or out of your own head for that matter.
Wreck(Reek?)
Logorg has no moving parts!
Make a little love.
You decide all these thoughts of destruction should be offset by a little good earnest love making.
Sacrifice your soul to the heathen gods.
You've considered doing a lot of stupid things before, but this idea takes the cake!
Rebuild logorg
From the Logorg ashes rises the phoenix of Drillgorg!
Get down tonight.
You're really excited about the advent of Drillgorg!
Get a bachelor's degree in robotics
You don't even know where to begin addressing how stupid that idea is!
Examine that rope-like object
With great prescience, move away from end of the intestine
With great prescience, you move away from the end of the intestine.
Make a robot out of that guy
I don't think I'm familiar with make a robot out of that guy!
Cry.
Crushed by the loss of your prized automaton, your son of lumber, you are reduced to tears.
Unpause
You and your newfound buddy stand face-to-face, wondering what to do.
Climb intestine
You decide do climb the intestine from which your new mate descended.
Clean the place up a bit.
Using your trusty rag, you make some pretty good headway on the room.
Eat whatever is in the hole
You firmly resolve to eat whatever you unearth from the hole, no matter how unsavory, when suddenly the dirt collapses!
Dig deeper!
You start to dig, hoping there will be valuables belonging to important people.
Ease head out of hole.
You begin to gently squirm and wriggle, when you start hearing an eerie buzz around your head.
Carve holes for mouth and eyes
Much better!
Go to window to show off new helmet
Through some act of divine collusion, you are drawn to the portal to look down.
Ask man to throw intestine up to you
You think maybe your coarse gesture was made a bit brashly.
Be the other guy.
With great exertion, you attemt to disembody your awareness and move it into another person.
Drill through door
Recalling the drill does not penetrate steel doors, you buckle down and get ready to give it your all.
Place head on "X"
Attempting to place your head on the X, you bump the device, activating it.
Open pumpkin and cuddle whatever is inside!
You remember this guy.
Check that door to see if it is locked.
Your curiousity about the door gets the better of you, but you try to sneak a nibble from the pumpkin nonetheless.
Build pumpkin-armour.
You gather up a couple spare pumpkins and cobble together a very smart looking outfit.
Return to the courtyard to show off new suit.
Through some act of divine collusion, you are drawn out of the broken door to look up.
Use intestine like scarf / Climb intestine
You sling the intestine around your neck like a shawl.
Eat the pumpkin portions just cut out of the head-pumpkin
Damn.
Play the get out of jail free card
Of course!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GO THROUGH THE DOOR!!
You step through the door, which instantly slams behind you and makes a locking noise.
Carve the pumpkin into a surprised face!
With your most determined face, you set about turning the pumpkin into a work of art.
Put it in the sad recess
You are not deterred by any theoretical discrepancies between your handywork and the pumpkin spec.
Drink as much as you can as fast as you can.
You can't believe how stupid that idea is!!!
Plug up the hole with a pumpkin.
You figure it's about time you took off this silly and uncomfortable pumpkin armor and put it to good use.
Carve pumpkins to match faces on the wall and put them in
Maybe it's the surging, cruel water rising inexorably, but you're suddenly much more inspired to put concerted effort into refining your craft.
Oh shit
Luckily for the cause of suspense, you are now the other guy in his cell, wondering exactly what to do.
Bring the gun along in case you have to off yourself.
You pick up the firearm.
Jump out the window.
The window to this cell is barred!
Try to climb up the rope thing.
You get the fishy feeling that this is probably more intestine.
Survey surroundings, possibly sneaking a bite of ambergris
There is quite a panoramic view up here.
Use harpoon to get across to building and shoot down hole
You pry the harpoon out of the whale, load it into the barrel, and fire.
Pull lever and reel in the harpoon
Ok, you think you've got this figured out now!
Apologize to the man.
You tie the harpoon tether around the crank so it doesn't go anywhere.
ask harpooned man where rest of the few thousand pieces are
He can't hear your question, and doesn't really care to listen at the moment.
Climb down ladder and randomly press buttons on panel
You get your button-pushing finger ready for a field day.
Take off helmet and use it for flotation.
You struggle to remove the pumpkin, but it is swollen from absorbing too much water!
POINT HUGEIFIER AT PUMPKINHEAD AND ACTIVATE
You can't imagine what this strange device does, but it beckons you.
Look around and thank guy for quick thinking with harpoon
You look around.
Load gun and fire at stump, while singing King Henry V
It might be the blood loss, but you've definitely gone bonkers!
Grab the other guy's hand and run off into the forest
Yes!
Continue
You wake up locked in a deserted jail cell, completely alone.
Using key, carve spell into pumpkin invoking elves and such
What in the merciful Christ's name are you talking about?
Using key, carve spell into stomach invoking elves and such
There is already such a spell carved into your stomach!!!
Recite spell while spilling blood, invoking elves and such
You don't know what any of those runes mean, and you'll be damned if you're going to try to read them upside-down!!
With your trusty Hunk's Junk magazine, forge a sword
Your gay pornography has been forged into a formidable blade.
Strike the elf.
Your stats Health: |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Majyyks: |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||iiiiiii Pulchritude: |||||||||iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Elf's stats Health: |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||iiiiiiiii Majyyks: |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Pulchritude: |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii You could really use a boost in pulchritude if you wish to win this battle.
Offer the elf a baby in exchange for one wish.
The elf agrees to grant one wish on the promise that you will acquire a baby for him in the near future.
Ask for a pony.
Choose your second wish: > Get out of jail.
Wish to get out of jail, then trample the elf with the pony.
He's more than happy to magically transport you outside the prison.
Cut open the horse to sleep inside for the cold night
You seem to forget your sword is made of paper, and really isn't capable of cutting anything open.
Cast fireball at bungalow, so you stay extra warm tonight
You crawl out of the mouth covered in viscuous horse-slobber.
Dig up stump
You flip open the stump easily, revealing a hole.
Go on a hunt for children to repay the elf for his kindness.
There appears to be a bus full of children on a field trip coming down the road.
Give bus of children to elves so you can go inside
While you were measuring, the bus driver drove off with the rest of the kids, leaving you with only these three.
Tie kids together with the horse and use as battering ram
An idea this good just doesn't come around every day!
Throw two kids in the chimney.
You order the children to climb the house and go down the chimney.
Continue your downward spiral of mental instability
Inside the bungalow, it is warm and inviting.
invite the horse, children and madman in for tea party
Frankly, you think that guy is a little unhinged.
Enact Total War: set house on fire and flee east to Moscow
Moscow is west, you boob!!!
Use magical prowess to summon Moscovite elves.
You don't know the spell for summoning elves - Russian or otherwise - and the only known spell is carved on the belly of that lunatic.
Use runes to commune with pony and feed it a majyyk'd carrot
A magical sense of communion tugs at the pony's primitive mind.
bite off your own leg and use it to play fetch with the pony
That does not sound like an enjoyable activity for either party!
First, be the pony.
I'm sorry, but I am not familiar with the command "be the pony"!
With elf powers, order the pony to trample children and man
You really put your back into this enchantment.
Enjoy restful slumber.
Would you like to play again?
Jack: Start Jailbreak Adventure.
You wake up locked in a deserted jail cell, completely alone.
==>
This is turning out to be the second shittiest jailbreak attempt anyone has ever seen.