ARANEA: THE WORST STORY THAT HAS EVER 8EEN TOLD IN THE HISTORY OF PARADOX SPACE.
MEENAH: whoa clam down
ARANEA: No! I will not "clam down." Clamming is not something you can do, unless you do it UP, or you are literally retrieving clams from a 8ed of soft oceanic soil.
MEENAH: clam your rumble spheres
MEENAH: seriously they is lookin lively girl everyones gawkin
ARANEA: You just have no respect for a well told story.
MEENAH: i said what happened didnt i
ARANEA: Only 8arely!!!!!!!!
ARANEA: You left out so much! All the intrigue, the complicated interpersonal relationships, the 8ackstory, the responsi8le pacing.
ARANEA: Where was the WORLD 8UILDING, Meenah?
MEENAH: who gives a dolphin flip through a big ring of shit
ARANEA: Ok! I think I finally understand the art of storytelling now, thanks to you!
ARANEA: It turns out all you have to do is make series of short, mysterious statements without supplying context or any further ela8oration.
ARANEA: It's all so simple! Let's try it out.
ARANEA: Did you know that "what's his face" Vantas in our post-scratch world grew up to 8e a spiritual leader followed 8y millions?
ARANEA: They killed him though. He died handcuffed to something, while shouting a rude word. The end!
ARANEA: Leijon grew up to 8e his m8sprit! She wrote stuff down and spent a long time in a cave. That's that.
ARANEA: Their 8uddy Captor flew a ship for some hag. It wasn't a very cool gig. Maryam found a wiggler and died a slave. Did I mention our planet 8ecame kind of a shithole? No, I don't think I did, 8ecause that's apparently not how you "tell stories."
MEENAH: ...
MEENAH: go on
ARANEA: Zahhak 8uilt me a ro8otic arm. He was ordered 8y a high8lood to kill a girl 8ut he couldn't do it, and was 8anished. Really 8eat himself up over that. 8ut it's ok 8ecause his descendant redeemed the honor of his legacy 8y doing whatever a murderous clown told him to. Wait, was that too much detail? Forget I said some of that. Moving on!
ARANEA: Ampora was a pirate. No8ody liked him. He killed a lot of people, 8ut was later executed 8ecause he was una8le to tell a funny joke. What else needs to 8e said? That's right. Nothing.
ARANEA: Makara was the guy who didn't like his joke. He was terri8le and so is his story. Period.
ARANEA: Nitram was a hero who led a re8ellion. He killed me. 8ut not 8efore things got pretty steamy 8etween us. Want to hear the juicy details? You're out of luck!!!!!!!!
MEENAH: aww man 38(
ARANEA: Pyrope cut off my arm and arrested me, 8ut I killed her. This triggered a karmic cycle of revenge which led to the eventual 8linding of her descendant.
ARANEA: Sorry, Terezi. Them's the 8r8ks!
TEREZI: W41T
TEREZI: WH4T?
ARANEA: As for me, well, I could go on ALL DAAAAAAAAY a8out that su8ject. 8ut I won't!
ARANEA: I was a cool pir8te. The 8est pir8! I lived a long time, had amazing adventures, got all the treasure, then died. That's all she wrote!
ARANEA: 8ut not literally. She wrote quite a lot in fact. She had a lot to say, just like me. Which is why she's so gr8.
ARANEA: Let's see. Who am I forgetting here?
MEENAH: uh
MEENAH: ahem
ARANEA: Oh, of course. Megido! Now there's an interesting story full of exciting twists and turns we won't 8e getting into.
ARANEA: She was kidnapped as a child 8y a creep, then served the creep's 8oss for millions of sweeps. She helped make everything lousy. Then you killed her and took her jo8.
ARANEA: Anyway, I think this tedious tale has gone on for entirely too long already!
ARANEA: I can't think of a single thing left to address that could possi8ly 8e of interest to anyone.
MEENAH: no no shut up
MEENAH: do me now what about me
MEENAH: waterboat meeeee!!!
ARANEA: Why, Meenah. Could it 8e that you would like to hear more?
ARANEA: I must 8e imagining things, 8ecause you are on record as finding my stories 8oring.
MEENAH: no these stories are more interesting than your usual ones
MEENAH: i can tell because im actually still a wake
ARANEA: Very well. You would like to know a8out your post-scratch adult life.
ARANEA: Would you like the short version? Or the long version?
MEENAH: uh
MEENAH: are those the only two options
ARANEA: You tell me.
MEENAH: how about
MEENAH: not the looooooooooooooooooooong version
MEENAH: like dont go full fuckin serket on us
MEENAH: but
MEENAH: dont leave out too much of the cool stuff?
MEENAH: shit man why do i gotta explain this to a presumably rational person
MEENAH: just tell me what ma junk was bitch!
ARANEA: Very well.
ARANEA: I shall strive to convey your story, including details which you are likely to find interesting on account of vanity, whilst attempting to refrain from going "Full Serket" on you and other hapless 8ystanders.
MEENAH: blub
MEENAH: come on spit it out windfang
MEENAH: no more adventures on the high breeze got it
ARANEA: Fine.
ARANEA: You want the a8ridged-version, 8ut-may8e-not-so-a8ridged, as-long-as-the-stuff-that-you-in-particular-would-like-to-hear-is-included, of the Meenah Peixes saga?
ARANEA: Here we go.