You needed something to sop up all the blood, so you snatched your sister's fanfic tome for the road. Just by ripping the pages out, you're already giving her dumb stories more attention than they deserve. She's lucky you were in such a pickle for clean towelettes. Ordinarily you wouldn't use this trash to wipe your ass.

But then again, that's only because ordinarily you're chained to the other side of the room.